Hello
It’s a vulnerable one today. I shared this post in my online community a while ago now.. and I’m feeling ready to share it with more of you who stumble across this page, often in the middle of the night, looking for answers and ways through. Here’s where I’ve got to with some things!
It feels like time to invite you in… into what I’ve been wondering about and journalling about and living into for a few years now.
One of my biggest passions is companioning others to discover who they are and express that as fully as they can in the world. I love to companion myself in this journey too!
I’ve been living a question about my neuro- and gender identities for about two years. To begin with most of those reflections were all on my insides. They were mainly on the pages of my journal. I shared them with a few people I trust deeply. More recently, I’ve been sharing them with others and it’s time for them to make it to the blog! A lot of this post is my unedited musings from my journal as I’ve unravelled and unlearned what’s in me so that I can discover more of who I am on the inside and how I’d like to express that more on the outside.
I hope it helps and encourages others to step into this journey of exploration for themselves too.
The exploration of identity, the decision to claim an identity for yourself, is a radical and heretical act in our culture.
A culture whose story is to tell you who you are, what you’re like, who you should be, what you should do, what’s wrong with you, what’s acceptable and not.
It takes tremendous courage to see yourself reflected somewhere, in something, in someone and claim that as you, for you — as many times as you need, so that you can grow and flourish into who you truly are — letting your soul speak and be seen. It takes courage to look for YOU and find YOU and live into YOU.
Often on the insides first.
Then even more courage to ‘invite in’ (versus ‘come out’) — to let the you that you’ve begun to feel a little more at home in and with, be seen by others, for them to name you, to call you who YOU see and say you are, not who they’ve decided and told you you are.
The courage of my transgender son has en-couraged and inspired me!
Sometime, some-when he gifted himself permission, before we gave it to him, to decide who he is. It’s given me permission to look at, to reflect on and decide about some of the labels, names and descriptions I’ve been wearing too.
Do they suit me? Do they fit me? Are they me? Do they serve me? What do others feel like if I try them on? What suits me best right now? What version of them?
😲🤩 Wow – I can decide my own meanings and design and it feels good!
It’s an adventure. A journey. An exploration to express and bring more of ourselves to life.
We all want to feel safe and loved. We all want to experience validation and belonging.
To declare yourself anything other than ‘normal’ is challenging for our Ego and the wounded parts of us. In our craving for acceptance, we abandon ourselves.
In coaching, I’m here for the exploration and revealing of WHO YOU ARE – individually and collectively. I share and invite you into some ways of doing that and you choose, you decide what’s best for you. When you’re ready you can invite us in.
I love busting neurodiversity myths!!…
…and I think I’ve discovered another myth that needs busting …
We’re not a fixed neuro-identity
In fact I believe that’s quite, or potentially very, unhelpful.
When neurodiversity arrived in our story I thought … Woohoo!! 🥳 … we’ve arrived somewhere, we finally have answers and we began to put people in some different boxes than they’d been in before. I thought we’d found the right boxes to explain us and what hadn’t been working for us. Now we knew, we’d be fine!
Old boxes may be things like not normal, weird, odd, different, misfit, not liked, excluded, just plain annoying, etc. They may be boxes others put us in or we put ourselves in. We may not have any neuro-identity names at all.
Now we had some new identity words.
Back in 2014 it was Asperger’s Syndrome and Neurotypical. Neurotypical and experiencing OTRS/Cassandra Syndrome fitted me best so I went down that route – read my story of all that here. Pete stuck with AS and along the way we also added in various other labels… ADHD, Prosopagnosia, Alexithymia, Anxiety, Interpretive Dyslexia.. and more.
What’s great about that?
Information. Explanation. Clues. Realisations. Belonging. Validation. Support. Relief.
What’s the problem with that?
Fixed. Certainty. Destination reached. Focused on where the problem lies. Stop looking. Believed we had ‘answers’. Deficit-focused. Diagnostic approach. It’s others defining and deciding who you are/I am/we are.
I think we also actually felt more weird, more different, more on the outside of a lot of things until we found a new way to be and travel with it all.
And I’m not here to say no to names and the words to describe our experience, it’s more about who decides that and that it’s not a finite, destination kind of a thing!
Introducing Neuro-identity
…something much more flexible. Something we can move inside of, grow into, find ourselves, our home and OUR words in.
🤩 It allows for recognising a blend of neuro-identities just as we now recognise an array/a spectrum of sexuality, gender, racial and ethnic identities. These are complex, nuanced, subtle and neuro-identity is the same.
🤩 It allows for a focus on strengths and gifts rather than problems and challenges. This isn’t to ignore what’s challenging, simply to shift the focus of our attention.
🤩 It allows for and includes those who recognise traits and don’t meet/pass diagnostic criteria.
🤩 It allows for seeing ‘labels’ as descriptions, “I am…” versus add-ons, “I have…”.
🤩 It allows for ‘names’ we decide for ourselves versus ‘labels’ others decide for us.
🤩 It allows someone to journey with their neurology and soulogy, with what makes them who they are – their motivations. gifts. personal-ity. fears. vulnerabilities. wounds. potential. soul space.
What others see, observe, interpret may play a part – when it’s affirming. This may include aspects of assessment or diagnosis. The invitation beyond that though is to name ourselves, to explore and decide who we are rather than simply accept what others say. It simply isn’t the fullness of anything.
YOU decide which words work for you, feel like you and which don’t. There’s a freedom to play and change as you discover and bring more of you to life inside and outside of you.
I’m Neuroqueer (more about this below) and continue to be Neuro-curious. I’m curious about my neurology, psyche, soul and personality … how they ‘make’ me, how they impact my choices, my experiences, my behaviour, my life. What’s influenced them. What they mean to me. What’s best for me. Who’s the real me. How can I become more myself and reflect that into the world in who I am and what I do.
I can try neuro-identities on. See how they feel and fit. Which suits me. How do I want to name myself versus others decide and name/label.
Then sharing this. Revealing it. Expressing it. Inviting others in. Growing in confidence and self-trust. It’s like a series of doors or fitting rooms to walk through!
Anyone can become neuro-curious!
Even if you’ve been given a neuro-identity already or you’ve given yourself one, and also if you’ve never had one or thought you needed one!
No shame. No judgement. Open.
It’s ok to change who you are. For you to decide.
In fact we must… and the world will adjust!
…versus us adjusting to fit the world and ‘dying’, suppressing our life energy in the process.
When we don’t, we are literally the walking dead. Controlled and comatosed. Asleep. Numbed. Silenced. Small.
We’re subsequently afraid and judgmental about the audacious, incredible, sparkly self within all of us! 🤩✨
These may seem or feel like strong words. They are and it’s been my experience. When I recovered myself fully it literally felt like waking up, coming home to myself, freedom, reclaiming control from outside forces and the autopilot unconscious that had been running my life for years!
We’ve been taught to, conditioned to and sometimes had to turn away from ourselves. Then we become afraid of who we really are, they are a stranger to us and we’ve been taught to be afraid of strangers! We don’t have the questions or tools to explore any of this.
Intrigued? Piqued your interest?
What’s been your journey with all of this?
My Journey With All This
When Pete was labelled as having Asperger’s Syndrome in 2014, I decided I’m Neurotypical.
You’re that, I’m this.
It’s not necessarily as straightforward and as simple as that. I’ve realised for myself and through my work as a neurodiverse relationship coach, that there is complexity, nuance and individuality that labels can’t contain or fully explain!
We need to be more open, curious and expansive in our thinking and relating.
I’ve had clients contact me who completely recognise OTRS/Cassandra Syndrome in themselves and yet they also identify as Neurodivergent. I also hear from men who recognise themselves in the descriptions and feel excluded. In literature and in neurodiverse relationship spaces Cassandra is something unique to female Neurotypical partners. Access to support is often limited to those who’ve completed an assessment/diagnostic process. It’s like there are rules to abide by and they aren’t helping us to flourish in our diverse relationships. As a result, many people find themselves excluded rather than included in literature and online spaces.
A couple of years ago I began to notice and realise that some descriptions of autistic experience on Instagram felt like me. I messaged people saying, ‘I think this is a Neurotypical experience too because I’m Neurotypical and what you’re describing is true for me.’ I was judged for commenting and received some negative responses. I also began to notice that some descriptions and experiences of ADHD felt like me. However ADHD, especially in the way it’s described in diagnostic criteria, doesn’t fit me too well, it’s unlikely I’d ‘pass the test’ and I reject deficit-based descriptions. There are better descriptions but I was also very resistant to moving towards any of these or including them as me because I’d decided I was Neurotypical. I have a business that’s been founded on that identity too! I was feeling quite stuck with it all to be honest.
And yet, I kept going within and asking myself….
Who am I?
It’s one of the first and most fundamental questions I invite all my clients to ask and live themselves into.
In Spring of 2021, I made a decision. Decisions, whether inside or outside ourselves change the direction and outcome.
I decided to take off two ‘coats’ that felt ill-fitting now and limiting – ‘Neurotypical’ and ‘Woman’. I’d been waiting or trying, for some time, to work out what coat I’d wear instead, before taking off the uncomfortable, increasingly heavy ones I was already wearing but realised I can take them off and then see and decide what, if anything, to put back on or put on instead.
I realised this would create essential space for something new to arrive into. ‘Nature fills a vacuum’ I remembered … we’re often wanting to know what’s next before we’ll let go of what we have or what’s been safe, when the new can only arrive when letting go creates the space of uncertainty that new needs!
‘Test and see’ is a playful strategy I’d already used for lots of other things already on my journey home to myself and it seemed to fit this inner work I was invested in. The discomfort of labels, how they serve a purpose, a season, but can be played with and changed, reminds me of taking off my Christmas coat with its expectations and conventions – reshaping and resewing it into who I am, who I’m with, what I desire and an unconventional experience… that’s against the flow!
These two new ways of being that I’d discovered in my recovery were what I needed now too.
How could these help me to find words that shape who I truly am versus terms/labels applied by others and/or myself.
1. Neurotypical
It’s a label I assumed and began to wear when neurodiversity arrived in 2014 – ‘If Pete’s in that camp (AS/Autism), I’m in a different one.’ I hated AS/Autism to begin with, such a different understanding than we have now. I live beyond the AS label with Pete now so why am I still so wedded to mine? If I’m not Neurotypical, then what am I?
I’m Natalie, that’s it really.
Neurotypical isn’t feeling completely right now. Neurodivergent doesn’t feel right either. Though I recognise traits of various neurodivergent descriptors, I reject the deficit focus of them and even with that aside I don’t feel like I want to be in the neurodivergent camp either. I’m totally ok for others to choose this, it just isn’t right for me.
I recognise both paths inside of me and then realise/remember I’m an ‘edge dweller’.
I remember how I ‘edged’ anthropology, church and pioneering. All of this is the same. I see the intersections. I experience and embrace and really love the place of intersection. I see all sides and perspectives. I’m very comfortable there, where others aren’t comfortable and prefer to be centre and perhaps more certain, or.. I’m not sure, but it doesn’t matter. Good to know where I live best.
A few weeks later I read an article about Neuroqueering by Nick Walker and this interview here for a more lengthy discussion of the importance of new language against the backdrop of the pathologising language of the past. A few aspects particularly stood out for me and it shimmered with language that feels more me:
Cosmopolitanism – open-minded embracing of human diversity. engages with diversity in a spirit of humility, respect, curiosity and continual openness to learning, growth, uncertainty, complexity and new experience. appreciation of diversity in all of its embodied ways.
Neuroqueer – ‘queering’ neuronormativity. subvert, disrupt and deviate from the embodied performance of being neurocognitively ‘normal’. a cultural description, not who someone is but a culture they belong to and subscribe to.
Neurocosmopolitan – accepting and welcoming neurocognitive differences in experience, communication and embodiment. in same kind of way as accepting cultural differences.
Neurotypicality – the performance of what the dominant culture considers a ‘normal’ bodymind.
Neuronormative – the embodied performance of neurocognitive typicality – a dominant, accepted ‘normal’
Are any of us truly Neurotypical bodyminds then?
Perhaps we have Neurotypical society/culture, not Neurotypical people!
You can read even more about this now in Nick’s brilliant book – Neuroqueer Heresies.
We’ve all been trained, pushed and funnelled into the embodied performance of typicality – whether gender, sexuality, learning style, communication, neurocognitive, social, etc, etc – towards a dominant, accepted ‘normal’. That impacts individuals to greater or lesser extents dependent on their natural proximity to the dominant narrative and/or their ability to morph and mould. That has greater/lesser impacts emotionally, mentally and physiologically depending on a person’s personality and bodymind.
I’m falling in love with the term ‘queering’ – it sits with the subversion, disruption and non-conformity that I’m very comfortable with now.
So…
I’m Neuroqueer or a Neuro-queerer… subverter. disrupter. step off the train-er. change the programme-er, status quo shaker!
2. Woman
Partly from reading Mary Magdalene Revealed book and focusing on de-limiting feminine (energy) in me last year, ‘woman’ feels unconsciously limiting. NOT a gender question per se, more a stories, identity and living your potential question. How are my thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, feelings and decisions influenced by conditioning of ‘woman’? What have I accepted and acted from without question? Again no conclusions but it feels better to take that ‘coat’ off for the exploration rather than explore and then decide. Needed to see what difference it made right away without it.
So…
I’m a Gender-curious Woman …and two years on I’ve re-written my stories of ‘woman’ to suit me and I’m most comfortable with she/they pronouns. That’s the gender edge I dwell in.
Taking both of these ‘coats off’ in my mind created a physical, shifting sensation inside of me. It was like bricks rearranging themselves – that’s the image that arrived for the feeling – maybe like a re-coding. I mentioned this idea to my son and he said it sounded a bit like the way Diagon Alley appears in the Harry Potter movies – Yes! Just like that!
…talking to my son about all this later… he asked if I’d ever explored my sexuality. I said no – it wasn’t really a thing when I was growing up. I had very fixed ideas from church about that then and I really wanted to be a Mum so just followed a path, not ever having wondered about me in relation to that path really.
Now? Probably edge dweller there too! I’m open and not fixed to something rigid and I’ve been exploring all that more the past twelve months – the first step is gifting ourselves the permission to open and curious about ourselves, in the same way we’d like others to bt about us too, rather than deciding who we are from first look or assuming they know what all our words and behaviour actually mean!
Being this open – beyond the conventions of ‘camps’ and labels is liberating and reminds me of a little girl with her fairy wings I saw the other day, dancing along the path ahead of me.
Labels and boxes applied by others clip wings and keep us from flying like the beautiful birds and butterflies and fairies that we all are.
I wonder… Who are you?
I guess this article is one of the biggest invitations I can give you into exploring YOU!… being open to all the different sides, dimensions and aspects of YOU!
YOU ARE beautiful, amazing, incredible and full of limitless and latent potential!
Have I inspired your interest to explore YOU more?
In Loving Difference, you’ll find the safe space, powerful questions and loads of resources to support you to discover, embody and express who you truly are. I can’t wait to be alongside as you do!
Questions? Book a complimentary call.
With love,
