Hello! Welcome to the blog today…
With two other experts, I was invited to respond to a reader question for the Modern Morals column in the Irish Independent newspaper this week (subscription required to read).
Due to precious column inches, they couldn’t include my full response so I’ve created a blog post with it in full here. This straddles the realms of being YOU, dating and the impact of known and unknown neurodiversity in a relationship so it was right up my street!! I hope it’s helpful to anyone who’s navigating this specifically or a similar question right now…
The reader’s question:
“I was diagnosed with autism in my early thirties and it answered a lot of questions for me, in particular around some of the challenges I’ve had in intimate relationships. Some people are surprised when I tell them I have autism. I’ve heard “You don’t seem autistic” more times than I care to count… Other people tell me it makes sense and explains some of my behaviour. Anyway, I’ve never used dating apps before but at the start of January I joined a few of them. My question is whether I should tell people I have autism when we’re chatting on the app or should I wait to tell them in person? My friend says I should only tell people if I’m sure they have ‘partner potential’. But that process could take months and it seems wrong to withhold such information. What should I do?”
Disclosure of any aspect of our identity, neuro or otherwise is a matter of personal choice rather than a right/wrong decision. What’s also true though is the more YOU that you are, the more likely you’ll connect with and develop a successful relationship with the right person for you.
So what else can help you decide when’s the right time to share?
- Disclosure about autism/neuro-identity can be a vulnerable thing to do. There’s still a lot of misunderstanding of what autism/neurodiversity means and some people may make assumptions about you or about a relationship with you that aren’t true. You may have experienced not fitting in, being left out, rejected or bullied which can impact self-confidence and make sharing who you are with others too scary to do – we don’t want to be hurt or rejected again which is understandable. You want others to be curious and interested and if they aren’t, perhaps they aren’t for you.
- ’Partner potential’ will take days or weeks not months when you’re confident and clear about what ‘partner potential’ is for you. That will make a huge difference to you meeting the right person for you and ultimately how successful it is. This is all about knowing yourself really well and what’s important to you. Yes, there’s ‘first three seconds’ of a profile scroll and first date chemistry too – beyond that though it’s much much more!
- Early disclosure may mean you can be more you sooner, without a need to mask, i.e. presenting yourself in a particular way that will be more acceptable to others (a well known neurodiversity term but actually we all do it at times to be safe, accepted, liked or protect ourselves – also called fronting, code-switching, camouflaging and passing in other contexts).
- Did you know that your relationship with YOU is the single biggest determiner of a successful relationship with someone else? Confident disclosure to ‘partner potentials’ goes best when you have a high level of self-confidence and self-acceptance about yourself. Dating is a tough gig even for those with bags of self-confidence and many who are late diagnosed autistic, or even if they’ve known from a young age, tend to have lower self-confidence. You may need and value support around all this first because the likes and swipes culture isn’t designed with self-confidence building in mind!
- Are you ready to date? You mention that you’ve experienced challenges in intimate relationships before. Do you have new ways to approach those challenges this time around? Knowing about autism/neurodiversity in a relationship isn’t necessarily enough to prevent an adverse impact, on individuals or the relationship. This isn’t the fault of neurodiversity – none of us are especially well equipped to love or live with high degrees of difference in an intimate relationship, even if it’s attractive to both partners in the beginning!
- Be ready with some answers that work for you, to the types of comments you mention. That’s where others are at right now. You could ask if they’re open to hearing more about your experience of it? Their reaction to your comments will give you a good idea of whether this person is open or not to exploring this aspect of any potential relationship.
- Knowing doesn’t necessarily prevent challenges. Full knowledge of this being a neurodiverse relationship from the beginning, with support if necessary, could be the making of it in a way it wouldn’t be without it! If there’s going to be an impact from unknown neurodiversity – to individuals or the future of the relationship – it’s potentially quite fast and that needs support so it isn’t detrimental to anyone now or in the future. Lots of what creates challenges in the early stages of relationships where neurodiversity is a part of the dynamic could potentially be avoided with knowledge and support. Many either don’t know that neurodiversity is a factor or don’t seek the specialist understanding, support and solutions soon enough that could help them through challenges if they arise.
As someone who’s navigated unknown and subsequently known neurodiversity in an intimate relationship, I’d recommend disclosure as early as you feels it’s ok to say because unknown neurodiversity can have an impact on both partners and the earlier a couple have support with that from someone who really understands loving and living with difference, the better the outcome for all. Even if you disclose and the relationship’s going well you may still need or value support with understanding and navigating differences between you and this ideally needs to be with a professional who has neurodiversity as well as relationship experience. I want you to have a 10/10 relationship whoever it’s with!
My best recommendation because I know that’s still what you’d like?
Work on you first, so you’re in the best possible place to be dating. Keep disclosure for chat or an early date when you’re comfortable to share. If it’s not for them, they’re not for you. It’s a reflection of them, not you. Be open to relationship support if you come up against challenges. Don’t wait to be in crisis to reach out for help. This doesn’t have to be together – ‘it takes two to tango’ is a myth! Make sure that any relationship support is with someone who has the added experience of supporting neurodiverse relationships.
If you’d like support with self-acceptance and self-confidence or to understand what’s happened in previous relationships that haven’t worked, get in touch with me!
Book a call to discuss how I can assist you to make the changes you desire or access support from me and other travel companions right now join Loving Difference, with transformational and surprisingly fun coaching adventures that support your step by steps to reverse the impact of unknown neurodiversity, be YOU again and flourish – in your relationships and your life.
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