Creating more energy in you, making deposits in your energy account, filling your bucket with energy is something I bring a lot of attention to in coaching because most clients who find me are mentally, emotionally, physically and socially exhausted.

Personally I find the bucket a super helpful analogy. It helped me to realise I am a container for energy. ‘Fill your cup’ was a quote I saw early in my recovery journey and subsequently it became obvious to me that a cup was simply way too small a container for the amount of energy I actually needed for the life I was in and the life I wanted energy for!!! So it became a bucket… and it’s still the image I use, and imagine myself as, to check-in with myself on how much energy I have and how my bucket is doing as a container!

HOWEVER… creating energy is one thing … keeping it or sustaining it seemed to be a whole other thing… because IT IS!!!

Many clients who begin their recovery with me begin to realise that their container isn’t in great shape. Many begin to notice it has holes that drain the energy without them having any control over it. Some even admit to their bucket having no bottom or sometimes not even any sides. They don’t have any way for the energy they could make to be theirs! As soon as they get any it’s gone!

How about you? How’s your bucket?

It’s true that a picture speaks 1000 words so beginning to have some pictures for this can be really helpful.

Ask yourself… ‘This is how my bucket is [picture] and this is what I want or need it to be like [picture] … I wonder what I need to know or do or change to make that happen?’

So, here’s three things that I realised were emptying my bucket without me having any control over it:

Boundaries

My relationship boundaries, time boundaries, energy/emotional boundaries and experience boundaries were shocking and I never knew! 😲 I had no idea how unhealthy boundaries were impacting my energy, how much energy I was losing and where it was going every day. I saw this work like plugging the many holes in my energy bucket, one at a time. I began to notice the benefit of this was more energy, sustained energy and more control in me about where my energy was going and when.

Co-dependence

I also had no idea I was co-dependent – my relationship with another’s ok-ness. This led me to match the energy of others, to leave myself, abandon myself energetically. This was one of the reasons I might feel like I had energy one minute and all of a sudden none at all. My energy or mood was drained instantly. Examples might be my children being in distress and then me being in my own kind of anxiety/distress or Pete’s previous shutdowns and negativity or a criticism from someone. This is a sign of co-dependence, a set of unconscious beliefs that are often combined with a fawn/please defence strategy. If this is new for you, here’s some more…

Co-dependent – ‘I’m ok if you’re ok’

Non-co-dependent (or non-attached) – I can see you’re not ok but I’m ok and I’d like to know how I can help you to find out why you’re not ok but I’m not going to fix you. I’m not triggered by it. I remain in my centre, with compassion for your ‘not-okness’. I hold space and, assuming there is request or consent for it, I may provide support and co-regulation (lending ok-ness) where I have capacity and competency for that.

We need to be out of fear/defence ourselves AND have sufficient energy (meeting our own needs and happiness) to hold this kind of space for someone or be in a situation that could trigger us.

Another aspect of co-dependence:

Co-dependent – ‘How you feel about me is how I feel about me’. My self image and how I feel in any moment comes from how others view me or how I perceive they view me. I’ve outsourced my validation to others. I betray myself to be loved.

Non-co-dependent – I’m worthy and complete without having to perform or achieve for love. Your behaviour is how you feel about you. It’s not the truth about who I am. I’m ok if you misunderstand me. Healthy boundaries are for me. I’m not responsible for your reaction to them. I can witness how you view or feel about me without judging myself or you.

We need to be cultivating self-trust, be out of fear/defence and judgement AND have sufficient energy to hold steady in our own truth about ourselves and to create and hold boundaries that are healthy for us.

Old Unresolved Emotional Wounds

Co-dependence leads me on to emotional wounds, typically from childhood.

Co-dependence is one of many consequences of early emotional wounds that remain unresolved. Others include avoidance, guilt and shame (self-judgement/blame), self-neglect or harm, dissociation, anxiety, depression, self-importance, judgement, blame, suspicion/distrust, hyper-vigilance, doubt, aggression, addiction and withdrawal/isolation. There are psychological/psychiatric terms used for a a lot of these which get banded about frequently in neurodiversity circles. I’ve chosen not to use them here. Some are framed positively and others very negatively. There are cultural norms which make some more or less acceptable than others.

I have a different perspective where ALL of these are adaptive strategies, typically a protective reaction to actual or perceived harm or to secure basic needs of safety, love and belonging. ALL of them prevent us from relating to others from an open, calm, trusting and connected place in us.

It’s common to believe that the cause of the issues we’re experiencing in our relationships now is those involved in the situation now and what’s happening now. Actually, what’s happening a lot of the time, until we’re aware of it, is that the situations we’re experiencing in the present moment are triggering memories of previous situations and deeper beliefs or truths, usually from before we’re about 14 and typically 0-7 years old. This causes us to react with strategies we learned and used back then to ensure our safety, love, certainty, belonging and validation. These unresolved issues and challenging situations are triggering our fears and vulnerabilities, pressing the button on our protection mode, survival setting, defence mechanism. These triggering situations and accompanying reactions drain energy/resources fast, often before we’re even aware of what’s happening. We feel like we had no choice. It’s all automatic and very quick.

You don’t have to have had an especially traumatic childhood or events in your life. All of us have experienced situations growing up that set in motion the development of our stress/defence reaction and strategy – to meet our essential needs for love, safety and belonging and/or to protect ourselves from actual or perceived threat/harm – that then becomes an unconscious part of us, related to our nervous system. It is in control, hijacking us, jumping into the driving seat in present situations, even sometimes in safe and loving ones, until we bring loving awareness and attention to it.

These three areas of work, in conjunction with discovering how to meet your energy needs means you can begin to create energy, sustain it and decide, with more conscious than unconscious thought, where and who it goes to. Working with clients typically includes aspects of all of these and, as an Integrative Practitioner, I combine Coaching with a range of therapies, models, tools and practices to facilitate and support your journey to healing, flourishing, connection and fulfilment.

Noticing yourself in any of these three? 

Unhealthy Boundaries, Co-dependence, Emotional Wounds

Wondering how you can begin to address these?

Here’s a few next right steps you can take to begin to bring loving awareness and attention to them:

🥰 Forgiveness. You’ve been doing the best you can with the knowledge and resources you’ve had. We’ve mostly not been modelled or taught healthy ways to be in relationships! Your survival mode, your stress reactions have been your best way to protect yourself and to try to get the safety, love and belonging you need. Typically in relationships, our ways to do that trigger the equivalent in our partner and we begin to get in a right pickle. There are healthier ways though… when we know different we can do different.

🥰 Increase your awareness. Awareness is 90% of transformation! The practice of noticing can never be underestimated. Begin to notice these in yourself, how they look in situations, the patterns you have, the memories or experiences from childhood that have created your reactions now. Old stuff is bothering, interfering with and impacting your now. Become an observer of yourself in situations – it’s illuminating. After a situation, you could ask yourself ‘What’s the story I’m telling myself?’ or ‘This feels like when….’ and allow yourself to wander back in your memory to before your relationship, to school, into childhood and notice when you felt like this. The context may be different, the feeling is the same.

🥰 Learn more. Knowledge is power. Complete the first three tour stops of Loving Difference Foundations, free with Loving Difference membership. There’s also lots of information online and in books/videos. If appropriate for you, find resources created by others who are neurodivergent – there are many more neurodivergent authors now, writing about their experiences and about overcoming these kinds of challenges.

🥰 Work on these areas with a professional. They can be challenging to work through alone. Wisdom = Knowledge+Action. Knowing something, being aware of something is super helpful. Then we need to move. We need to take action otherwise we know something and our experience stays the same. This can feel daunting and scary. Working with the right professional can offer a safe environment to work through these aspects of yourself and bring healing and recovery more quickly. Lots can come up, including resistance from others we’re entangled with, when we make these kinds of changes, and it can be challenging to stay true to that healthier path for yourself. A professional can support you with a number of different techniques to decode and change how the past influences your present and find the path that’s healthier and more fulfilling for you. It’s very enlightening and empowering.

I support clients with this self-healing work – if you’re interested in finding out more, book a call with me HERE.

🥰 Learn and take action with others! Heather and I support all this in Loving Difference. It includes the awareness, knowledge and strategies to begin this work. If you know this is exactly what you need to begin to change your direction and experience, check in to Loving Difference or message me with questions.

Loving Difference – The Online Journey for a Flourishing Life in Your Neurodiverse Relationships. A different experience in less than 10 days and ‘life-changing’ in a matter of weeks!

‘My experience, after only a few months in Loving Difference, is unimaginably different’ – Loving Difference Member

In time, step by step, you will create a really beautiful and strong container for your energy and a life that supports that energy creation and flow.

You’ll be able to sustain it, it will overflow and you’ll choose where all that beautiful energy goes.

An intact bucket, an overflow of energy and a tap are all possible!

With continued love and sparkle for your journey…