Hello.. a hot topic today!
This is a sample resource from the coaching I host in Loving Difference. New understanding and healthier ways to handle emotional emergencies is a key part of the Loving Difference Relationship System because most members who join are experiencing the persistent and cumulative effects of all this.
Emotional Emergencies
These could look like or be called
- meltdown (sometimes including aggression)
- shutdown (withdrawal)
- panic attack
- depression attack
- overwhelm
- exhaustion
- sensory overload
Emotional emergencies trigger our 5Fs defence system – our Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn/please, Flop reactions and hybrids of these.
If we’re not recovering or we don’t know how to recover from an emotional emergency or there are many triggers and emotional emergencies, persistent states of or cumulative effects of emotional emergencies can lead to:
- anxiety, feeling constantly on edge or hypervigilant
- feeling unsafe or scared
- exhaustion
- deterioration of all areas of wellbeing – mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, social
- burnout
- sensory and physical pain as more situations or more and more of life becomes intolerable
- hopelessness which, at worst, may become suicidal ideation because we can’t see any other way out
…we’re in a constant state of emotional emergency and all of this needs attention and longer for recovery.
Is some of this already resonating for you? Are you recognising any from the above lists.. or any of the defence reactions – 5Fs – I listed?
Emotional Emergencies are universal. We ALL experience emotional emergencies.
Learning to self-regulate energy and emotions using resources and Coach support here in Loving Difference can ensure that you can feel more in control of your life and better able to handle triggering situations when they do occur – for you and for others too.
Supporting others in their emotional emergencies (co-regulation) is really important and helpful to improve relational trust and connection. However, if we don’t have sufficient resources or someone else’s emergency is triggering our own, we may need to step back and are not the best person to provide support at that time or for that particular need or situation. Lots of reasons why this happens that you’ll be exploring here!
If you’ve been attempting to support or fix someone else’s emotional emergencies and/or you’ve been unaware of or ignoring your own… or not prioritising them, it may be time for a rethink – we certainly needed one!!
Something else that I realised that was massive… we are often hoping or expecting someone involved in our own emotional emergency to also be the person to support us in it when it’s very likely, until we have new understanding and healthier ways, that this person will be triggered into their own … just as we may be triggered into reactivity or emotional emergency if we’re involved in someone else’s!
As we learn what triggers or causes persistent emotional emergencies, we can prevent and reduce their frequency or mitigate their intensity or impact. We can also recover more quickly when we know and practice healthy self- and co-regulation. It isn’t necessarily that we can completely avoid them, but we can become more familiar with them, we can understand them and have more effective and healthier ways to manage them and recover from them.
In a family situation, becoming more aware of each others triggers, how emotional emergencies manifest and what helps each person to return to a regulated state can begin to ensure everyone’s needs are better understood and met.
First place to start though is YOU!
Many of us want to support others and there is a way to do that if you’re ready to discover more!…. or you may be recognising a need for space from others’ emotional emergencies so that you can focus on recovering from your own, with support and new healthier ways for all that.
💌 Coach Story
In my neurodiverse relationship, I began to notice the cycles, like a washing machine you can’t change the cycle on or a hamster wheel you can’t get off. Each cycle about four weeks long… When Pete was more engaged, I’d think everything was fine and always be surprised when the shutdown arrived again. It was bemusing for years.
Most literature and courses about neurodiversity and neurodiverse relationhips focus on the emotional emergencies of neurodivergent partners. I believe this is unhelpful and means only one story is being highlighted and often labelled the cause of relationship problems. Acknowledging the possibility or likelihood that either or both partners could be experiencing this – autistic, ADHD, neurotypical – is a missing piece to supporting those struggling to figure out years and years of hurt, misery and confusion.
Here’s how it actually looked in our relationship, maybe recognising themes from my story will help you begin to notice how emotional emergencies are showing up in yours…
In 2014, when neurodiversity became known in our story and I identified as neurotypical, I was in my own persistent emotional emergency. I was experiencing extreme loneliness – also termed feeling ‘alone together’. I ‘walked on eggshells’ – anxiety, though I had no idea that’s what it was or that I was doing it! I resented a lot and expressing my frustrations occasionally didn’t solve anything so I stayed quiet on things which then came out in other ways like irritability, criticism, silent treatment, etc.
Pete would be more engaged for a couple of weeks then withdrawn and disengaged. I learned this was known as shutdown. I’m sure he’d have more to describe, this is only what I experienced of it.
What was actually going on..
With more awareness, we realised that Pete was experiencing high anxiety ALL the time, he was overwhelmed by social/emotional and sensory input every day and beyond a point he’d shutdown so that his brain/body could recover sufficiently to continue in a seemingly functioning state. Shutdown looked like him spending hours on his interests and feeling ill a lot of the time with no explanations. It was energy all used up combined with extreme anxiety, and we had no idea. He’d been keeping going, keeping going, unaware of all of this, just like me!
I had kept going and going in spite of my own emotional emergencies, not taking time to rest or recover. Mine looked like stuffing my feelings down, so pretty invisible to others on the outside, outbursts that scared myself too, overwhelm and total frustration that left me feeling pressured and confused. With the perceived constant and persistent demands of work and parenting, I felt like I could never take my foot of the pedal to ensure my needs were being met and I wasn’t replenishing depleted resources.
We were both experiencing the persistent and cumulative impact of emotional emergencies and we also impacted each other in this state 😢🥺😵💫😔
Now? We’re living life within our capacity. Anxiety is much much reduced. Loads of hurts have been healed and step by step changes made to life to minimise and mitigate emotional emergencies. So much more understanding. Emotional emergencies are rare now, we can notice them, we can head them off and we know how to look after them when they do happen so they have minimum impact individually and relationally. We know triggers and can support when they happen. Healthy needs meeting. Understanding and compassion, which needs capacity. More I’m sure!
Note: we can’t support others well with their emotional emergencies until we have sufficient energy/capacity and can handle our own emotional emergencies!! Your oxygen mask first! Often we know this, but we really don’t know how… we need step by step guidance for that and that’s what’s on offer here.
In coaching you’ll have resources and all the support you need for your own emotional emergencies and to support others with theirs.
For now, you have new awareness of all the different ways they can show up and that we ALL experience them.
✨ Self-reflection
Here’s a few questions so that you can begin to reflect on all this for your own experience:
📝 What types of or descriptions of emotional emergencies do you recognise in yourself?
📝 What have your emotional emergencies cost you in the past?
📝 How are your emotional emergencies impacting your life now and how could that become worse in the future?
📝 How are your emotional emergencies impacting those around you, e.g. partner, children, friends, colleagues?
📝 What types of or descriptions of emotional emergencies do you recognise your loved ones are experiencing, that you’re living with and navigating?
📝 How has this blog post and different language of ‘Emotional Emergencies’ expanded your perspective on this aspect of what’s going on in your neurodiverse relationship?
Awareness is everything and it is the first step to change. Bringing intention and attention to all this can have a dramatic impact in a short time.
I’d love to hear how this has helped you. Email me at natalie@natalieroberts.com.
For support with any of this, book a call or how about joining my online programme!
There is a hope and a different way is possible.
With love,
