‘When you trade disappointment for discovery, even small, subtle actions create unimaginable results’ Rachel Macy Stafford
Hello… I’m sharing about a big topic today – disappointment. I was drowning in it for years in my neurodiverse relationship. How about you? Here’s a little of what I’ve learned and practiced that have given me a very different perspective and experience.
Supporting each other to be the best you can be, individually and together.
Sound like what you wanted when you met your partner, fell in love and made a commitment to be in a long-term relationship?
Somewhere on the journey, that changed and you no longer see the potential in each other, only the pain. You can’t see a happy future of possibility, only disappointment in what’s not done, not heard, not appreciated. Your partner no longer measures up. The relationship is falling short of what it promised to be. Perhaps it even seems to be a dead end.
So what on earth does a different way look like?
A blog from Hands Free Mama, Rachel Macy Stafford, offers one such way, encouraging parents to ditch Outcome Love in favour of Discovery Love, to improve their relationship with their children.
In her words about her daughter, I heard the echo of my relationship with Pete.
Everything I thought I knew about relationships stopped working when neurodiversity became part of the story, after we’d already been married for 15 years. The path I was walking then was paved with frustration, resentment, anxiety and pain. Then grief arrived, a deeply painful and yet crucial step in the journey, of releasing, letting go and being able to live in what is rather than what we expected and hoped would be; back then, now and in the future. For me it felt like heartbreak.
Beyond that, as grief whispered its goodbyes, my neurodiverse relationship invited me to create new terms, new rules of engagement from which love could begin to flow again. I was the Disappointed Partner (versus the Disappointed Parent in the blog).
My journey with a partner who’s autistic slowly and unexpectedly led me to limitless love, as I exchanged disappointment, fuelled by expectation, for discovery, fuelled by love.
Expectation is the nursery for disappointment
Disappointment is the child of expectation. The more you focus on expectation and whether it’s met or not, to the specific requirements you have in mind, the more frequently you nurture and experience disappointment in yourself, your relationship and your life. Read this again if you need to, so it sinks in!
Letting go of expectations, especially ones you’ve held on to for so long, is not easy – who you’re supposed to be, what you’re partner is supposed to do or be like, what the relationship should look like, what a harmonious home looks like, what should be happening, who should do what and when, how it should feel. All of these outcomes are filled with pain because expectations have not been met.
Take a moment…. What’s that costing you, in your relationship and in your life?
Connection, health, happiness, hope, peace, sleep, what else?
The beautiful reward, what you let in, when you let go, is a new future of possibility. It’s a future that replaces disappointment with joy, and resentment with peace, as you discover yourself and your partner with fresh eyes.
So, here’s the invitation…
Let go of the disappointed YOU you know, to discover and let in the YOU you don’t
Let go of the disappointing partner you know, to discover and let in the partner you don’t
Begin again…. small and subtle actions from you will create unimaginable results in your relationship.
This isn’t about letting go of fundamentally what you need, value or desire in life… it’s about being open to all the different ways this may be or become a reality.
Caution: Discovery Love needs capacity, needs energy, ‘a full bucket’ as I call it. If that feels like too much right now, that’s ok too. We all need time to arrive in what we’re learning about our situations. Take your time, recover, catch your breath and begin the first steps to recovering your energy, ready for the discovery ahead. There’s no hurry.
A quick example of Discovery Love from the last few weeks in our relationship…
Having breakfast out with Pete last weekend. I wondered if we could order sourdough toast to share, instead of our usual brown toast, just for a change… mix it up a bit which is my favourite way! I’m sure in any other relationship this wouldn’t even be a conversation, but you’ll all understand why it is!
Pete: Yes, that’s fine. I’m easy-going.
Me: Really? [with dubious look verging on a laugh, trying to look like curious] [Previous me would have said ‘No you’re not’ making Pete wrong and sending us into a defensive and negative spiral of a conversation that would likely have taken several days to recover from though not really, just shoved down until a similar thing happened again]
Pete: Yes. I’m really easy-going. What are you doing with your face there?
Me: I’m curious about what you’re saying about being easy going. If I suggested we go off piste this afternoon and do something else together that we don’t know yet, then maybe eat somewhere new and not sure what time we’d eat or be home, would that be ok?
Pete: No.
Me: That’s my definition of easy-going.
Pete: Maybe my easy-going is 1mm thick then. I’m easy going… about toast.
Me: And maybe mine is much thicker than that. So according to your meaning of ‘easy-going’, you are easy going and you’re right. And my meaning of it is ok too. We see it differently. That makes sense… and I realise this isn’t really your kind of morning, it’s more mine. You’re doing this because it’s more what I like than you like, for me, and that’s a degree of flexibility I often forget, which could be seen as easy-going too. My easy-going and your easy-going are different. Both are right and ok.
I love words and at this point looked up the definition of easy going – ‘relaxed and tolerant manner and attitude’. I shared it with Pete.
Pete: I’m not relaxed or tolerant. Hmmmm.
Me: I think you’re relaxed when you’re doing what you love doing and you’re tolerant of a lot of things. There are some situations that you don’t/can’t tolerate and I think that’s ok… I believe we all have that at different times.
Pete’s apparent not relaxed and intolerant manner and attitude, and apparent lack of flexibility have fuelled many a disagreement, frustration and resentment in me over the years until I got curious, listened and understood where Pete’s coming from the best that I can when I don’t see or experience life the same way as he does. Now I know what he can be and can’t be flexible about…. and I’ve realised that just to show up and ‘fit-in’, he’s flexing A LOT beyond his tolerance ALL the time. In the past that was exhausting for him and fuelled his anxiety. I also know where I flexed beyond my preferences and wellbeing for years, and step by step remedied that. Now we’re much more aware and comfortable with each other’s ‘windows of tolerance’, a term I’ve learned from Heather Parks.
We may have a tendency to judge an intolerance for flexibility/change that’s beyond an invisible amount of flexibility that’s already happening, simply to be in the situation. It’s good to leave judgement behind and get curious instead.
When you begin to change how you show up, from a place of discovery and love, everyone else begins to change around you because they’re not feeling directly or indirectly blamed, judged or controlled! The most significant thing we create first when we do is safety and trust, the foundation for all change.
I know you are all beautiful souls, all full of love to be gifted and shared. It’s time for discovery – about yourself and your loved ones, without judgement… and Rachel Macy Stafford’s simple mantra ‘only love today’ can be a hesitant but decisive beginning. It’s a mantra that day by day changed who I am when I realised how much of a Disappointed Parent I was. When I realised I was a Disappointed Partner too, I put it to work all over again…. and if you’re disappointed in yourself for any reasons, turn the mantra inwards, towards yourself.
Only Love Today
Where are you at with the invitation today? Are you willing to step onto a new path? Ready to trade disappointment for discovery? I know how daunting it can be to decide to walk in a different direction in your neurodiverse relationship, not knowing where the new path will lead.
In all my coaching I’m here to encourage and support your step by steps. To take a next step with that, book a call to discuss how I can assist you to make the changes you desire or access support from me and other travel companions join Loving Difference, with transformational and surprisingly fun coaching adventures that support your step by steps to reverse the impact of unknown neurodiversity, be YOU again and flourish – in your relationships and your life.
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