Skip to main content

It’s that time of year again!

Will you be reaching for your usual tonic – perhaps a G&T type tonic?!

Valentine’s Day can be one of the most painful days of the year when you know your neurodiverse relationship isn’t working. I totally get it. For two years, when our relationship was at its worst, I did my best to avoid it, not mention it, pretend it wasn’t happening… wish it would go away.

So, can I ask You a question?…

How Can You Possibly Make The Most Of A Painful Valentine’s Day When Your Relationship Isn’t As Happy As You’d Like?

As you live into discovery and differences that you know you’re doing your best to deal with and knowing every day offers us a lesson on recovery road if we’re courageous enough to look for it… How Can Valentine’s Day Be A Part Of Your Recovery?…rather than a day that you aim to get through as quickly as possible.

TONIC – something taken to aid recovery [return to normal state of health]

Here are my Top 6 Tonics for Valentine’s Day:

  1. AVOID THE HYPE – if necessary and if possible, don’t expose yourself to what is most painful. I know it’s everywhere, but it is possible to avoid a lot of it. The shop displays, the magazine articles, the TV shows, the TV adverts – you can decide what you consume in that regard. Self preservation is a necessary boundary sometimes.
  2. PERSPECTIVE – Valentine’s now is not anything like what the day was ever created to be – it’s mainly about money and all of us past the over-romantic phase or even the slightly-romantic phase can feel like we’re failing. Leave the romantic stuff to the would-be and newbie couples – allow them their day! Take some comfort from knowing that you’re not the only one in a messy and uncomfortable relationship place right now. This day will pass and normality will resume!
  3. CLARITY – our partner’s personality wants to know ‘how does it work’ and ‘how do I do it right’. If there’s any chance they could make a mistake or think they’ll get a less than favourable reaction they’re less likely to do anything at all. Dropping obvious hints or arranging something together is a worthwhile endeavour!
  4. REALITY CHECK – many autistic people don’t enjoy or buy into Valentine’s Day – for some an unnecessary social and emotional construction with too many confusing social cues and rules and for others emotionally overwhelming so better expressed on a different day when emotions are back within normal limits. Our relationships aren’t conventional so allow yourself to live into a lasting reality that your version of Valentine’s Day isn’t going to be conventional either.
  5. DIFFERENT LOVE LANGUAGES – if you don’t know yours check out If you don’t know your own language, how the heck will your partner know what you want?  If your languages are different and you don’t know that, something like Valentine’s day will always be disappointing. That’s something you can do something about.
  6. BE YOUR OWN VALENTINE! – what do you love? – DIY.. do it yourself – we don’t have to wait for others to make us happy and feel loved, we don’t even need special days. Get into a better relationship with yourself first, start TODAY… buy and write yourself a card, buy yourself a gift, arrange a date with yourself or a friend, hug a stranger/friend, tidy your desk… whatever your love language, speaking it to yourself often is more lasting than the temporary nature of relying on it from others.

If Valentine’s Day feels like the nail in the coffin of your relationship, book a free chat with me.

With love and extra special sparkly love today…

Neurodiverse Relationship Coach Natalie's signature with an x below

Natalie Roberts

Author Natalie Roberts

Natalie Roberts is an award-winning Master Coach and Mentor supporting individuals and couples in neurodiverse relationships in the UK and around the world. She coaches individuals and couples to reverse the impact of unknown neurodiversity and thrive so that they can be true to themselves and feel empowered to make decisions about their present and future that are positive and hopeful.

More posts by Natalie Roberts