Pete is funny. Though I saw more of it when we first met, I realise I only experienced glimmers and moments of it in our first 20+ years of being together. Not because Pete wasn’t funny then, but because he was overwhelmed, overloaded… he’s spent most of his life totally maxed out – always anxious and for years regularly shutdown. He didn’t have the capacity for his funny nature. The world feels threatening and unsafe for him a lot of the time though you’d never know that if you met him. I knew funny was in there because I saw it in the occasional times we spent together as a family when one or more of us weren’t melting or shutting down in some form or other, when we didn’t know what we know now about ourselves.
I imagine how funny he must have been when he was a young boy, before the world and expectations and masking and fitting in became necessary to survive and make his way in the world. When he stopped being Pete and started to be a version of himself that worked for everyone else… for 56 years. Pete lost himself as much as I did. Step by step we’ve found our way back to ourselves, to who we really are as best we can. There’s more layers to peel back. Pete’s still not sure what’s masking and what’s him so our work on our own and together continues. I’ll be me. You be you. No more being anyone else. We’ll find us as we go. He’s funny and brings out my funny when he’s funny.
I thought I’d share Pete’s funny with you. It made us both laugh so much on Saturday and days out together simply haven’t been like that very much in all of our time together. Pete’s rarely been relaxed when we’ve been out for the day since I’ve known him and on Saturday that’s how he said he felt.
We’re visiting an arboretum for my birthday. At the cafe, I go order breakfast whilst Pete reviews the map we’ve been given at the entrance. On my return to the table:
Pete: I’ve got another ailment.. a bad case of rattling bladdernuts.
Me: What?
Pete: Rattling bladdernuts… [at this point he’s in childish hysterics] 🤣
Me: What are you talking about?
Pete: Here… [apparently it’s a featured seasonal plant on the map and apparently it’s ‘everywhere’ and he thought it was hilarious]
Well, we walked most of the arboretum on Saturday and looked ‘everywhere’ for rattling bladdernuts and found… none! But it did give us a giggle throughout the day and reminded me of the Pete that’s inside when anxiety is low and capacity is high. So many of us are attempting and hoping to be in great and connected relationships when partners, or other family members, and ourselves are in an anxiety high/capacity low state.
The step by steps to create safety and capacity are like magic spells that can wake you up… and your loved ones.
We’re getting good at telling each other when we’re out of energy, when that anxiety high [or associated emotions] + capacity low state is approaching. It’s liberating our relationship to be able to say when either of us are done in a day and need some kind of recharge.
Saturday, in contrast to usual, filled us both up!
Energy is everything…and maybe one day we’ll find the bladdernuts!
Interested to discover more about the step by steps that are like magic spells?
Book a call to discuss how I can assist you to make the changes you desire or access support from me and other travel companions join Loving Difference, with transformational and surprisingly fun coaching adventures that support your step by steps to reverse the impact of unknown neurodiversity, be YOU again and flourish – in your relationships and your life.
With love and sparkle…
Photo credit: Charles Parker via Pexels
