Hello, welcome back!
A powerful share about eye contact from Hazelwood Consulting on Facebook today – see below. It shares the truth so well that eye contact is not an indicator of whether someone is giving you their attention or hearing you.
Someone may be looking at you and not listening. Someone may not be looking at you and be giving you their full attention! Relying on inaccurate, unhelpful, invalidating and very out of date social norms and conventions like this has so much to answer for, getting inside us, making things mean certain things and then influencing our personal and relational experience in such a narrow and potentially disconnecting, shaming and destructive way.
Eye contact is a great place to bring some attention to – noticing it in relational situations, expanding perspectives, letting go of expectations and doing things differently. Be curious about yourself and loved ones about this. What different experiences might be and how communication could be easier if eye contact was not a pre-requisite or determiner in the way it always has been.
Invitation – What’s your experience of eye contact?
Whatever your neurotype, bring some attention to this – it isn’t as binary a thing as you think! Notice where you tend to look, if you’re ok with eye contact for how long you hold a gaze or whether you ever look someone in the eye but you’re not giving them your full attention. Notice what you may have learned about paying attention, what you must do or what someone else must do so you perceive you have their attention or they yours. How may any of this have been creating confusion, misunderstanding and invalidation of different experiences and intentions in your relationships. Simply wonder and see where that leads you.
I’m here to bust myths about eye contact!!
What’s been your experience? How is Rachel’s story helpful to you?
“Rachel, focus, look at me when I’m speaking to you”
I bring my eyes back to yours
I get distracted by the colors in your eyes
Shades of blue, bits of green
I wonder if I have the right shades to draw them
I realize I miss what you said
I look away, so I can focus on your words
“Rachel, are you even listening?”
You let out a sigh
Exasperated I heard your words and I’m trying to make you happy
I really am
You can’t speak unless I’m looking in your eyes
I don’t understand why you can’t speak if I don’t look your way
If I’m the one who struggles with communication, why does the direction of my gaze change your ability to speak
“Rachel- look at me, please”
The please makes it sound optional
I learned that it’s not
“No thank you” is not an appropriate response to my teacher’s request
I look between her eyes
To look into her eyes feels like too much
Too intimate
I can’t handle the feelings, the intensity of staring directly into her eyes but unless I look her in the eyes, she can’t talk
I got older
I pretended better
Look for 4 seconds
Look away for 4
Over and over again
I didn’t hear you
But you felt heard
I learned that how you feel matters more than whether or not I actually heard you
Or how I feel
But I’m the one with the communication deficit
Because unless I look you in the eyes you can’t speak
Photo credit: eberhard grossgasteiger via Pexels
